terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Ever have one of those days that makes you want to punch a baby bird?  Ever have like, 3 or 4 of those days in a row?  If you’re shaking your head ‘no’, you might want to move along. Nothing for you to see here!… you lucky b.  If you’re nodding your head ‘yes’, then by all means, pull up a chair.  Let’s commiserate together.  Solidarity, sister.  Or brother! (But seriously, do any dudes even read this blog? Besides my dads and Casey?)

We’ve had a rough few days weeks is what it is.  Nothing is really terribly wrong, which makes me feel awful for even attempting to complain.  Nevertheless, here I am.  About to go all pity party up in here.

Crosby has been sick on and off for over two weeks.  At first it was an aggressive flu that had him sounding like an injured sea lion.  It was a not-so-fun few days that kept us cooped up with tissues and thermometers and LOTS of screen time.  But it came and went, though he has a lingering cough and we ALL caught his sniffles.  And now, he seems to have caught some kind of stomach bug.  The results of which were all over his sheets/comforter/pajamas yesterday morning.  I’ll give you a hint: it was barf.  It was awful and disgusting.  I spent all yesterday morning dragging both my infant and sick toddler up and down 5 flights of stairs to wash and dry every single item of clothing or bedding that was affected by the tragedy.  OH! Did I forget to mention? Our new airbnb rental doesn’t have a washer or dryer in it!  So we get to do our laundry in the basement of the building now! Yayyyyyy!  Oh, did I also mention that we had to move into this place during the peak of Crosby’s flu?  Yayyyyy! (That move is another ridiculous story for another day.)  Anyways, he seemed better during the day yesterday so I’d hoped it was maybe just a fluke or a 24-hour-thing, but this morning I went into his room to find another mess… this time from his, eh, other end.  If you catch my drift.  (I’ll pause while you dry heave a little bit, as I most certainly did this morning.) So, the kids and I just spent another morning traveling up and down the stairs to wash and dry every single item of clothing or bedding that was again, a casualty of the stomach bug.

Throughout all of this, Crosby has honestly been a trooper.  He’s never acted super sick or complained much about it.  HOWEVER, I think the combination of sickness + being quarantined + life changes has finally caught up with him and he is acting out and having meltdown after meltdown.  It’s simultaneously heartbreaking and incredibly frustrating at the same time. I know a lot of it is our “fault” for moving him around so much, taking him completely out of his normal routine, taking away almost all of the comforts of his home, and expecting him to just roll with it.  It’s a lot for a little kid to deal with.  Hell, it’s a lot for a grown-ass adult to deal with!  Last week was the first time he mentioned wanting to go back to his old house, which crushed my heart.  And If I’m being honest, I’m surprised it’s taken this long for all of those changes to really catch up with him.  I mean, he also just got a new sibling 5 months ago!

Speaking of my sweet Willa.  She seems to be making it her mission in life to get us kicked out of this apartment by way of screaming bloody murder.  Non.stop.  She’s been sleeping terribly lately (only taking 20 minute naps and then waking up every 1-2 hours at night) which is obviously playing a big part in her current screech owl status.  I don’t think anything is seriously wrong other than just being an infant.  But she will not stop crying.  Again, simultaneously heartbreaking and incredibly frustrating.

So back to today.  It’s been a hot box of hysterics.  I feel like my kiddos have been crying all morning long and I can’t seem to make anyone chill the f*ck out, including myself.  I actually screamed into a pillow at one point, which I don’t think I’ve ever seriously done in my life.  ALL of us cried.  I may or may not have locked myself in the bathroom for 45 seconds while both of my kids screamed at the top of their lungs.  I considered having a beer for lunch.  I’m not hardcore enough for that, though.  And finally, both kids are finally asleep… and what I should be doing is washing bottles, or washing my hair for the love of split ends, or lysol-ing my entire apartment.  But instead I’m sitting here in my pj’s (it’s 2:30pm), drinking ice-cold coffee and eating puffins out of the box.  And the biggest thing that I’m feeling right now… is guilt.  I feel SO guilty for not being more calm and not having more patience for the situation.  I feel guilty for getting frustrated at my sweet kids, who (for the most part) are not trying to make my hair turn gray.  I feel guilty for complaining so much, considering how lucky my family and I are.  I feel guilty for eating all of Crosby’s Puffins.

In addition to the above, there have been a lot of everyday annoyances and just plain bad luck situations that have taken their toll on all of us these past few weeks.  I know this is just a weird phase that’ll pass.  But today, mom-ing feels tough.

Anyways, the only real reason I’m writing all of this is because, well, for one thing, I needed to vent.  And also, because I know that it’s easy to assume that nobody else goes through (literal) shit day/s like this.  But we all do.  (Wait… right?!?!?!)  And I just want you to know that if you ever need someone to drink cold coffee and talk about your shit day with, I’m here.

I’m going to go fold my whites now, peace.

13 thoughts on “terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

  1. Dear Sweet Daughter…I know this doesn’t make your struggles any less but I want to share my feelings of pride for you at this moment! First and foremost for the beautiful, loving, and, yes, patient mama you are to those darlings. Secondly, to see the humility and vulnerability you have just expressed by writing this post. Being a parent is an extremely stressful job and far too often these feelings and frustrations are stuffed or ignored so by appearances, everything looks perfect. My hope
    Is that you will never be too proud to express the struggles and heartaches of parenting for they make you the most real and beautiful person you can be. Praying good things come to you and your family in the next months and you can truly begin your journey with us in Minnesota. Mpls is fortunate to have you back … but most especially, we are! XO

  2. Dito to your mom’s comments. All will get better. I do feel bad for you about the laundry though. Ugh .
    Hope there is a house in your future soon.keep on truckin my dear niece.
    Love all parts and emotions of you.

  3. Thanks for the reminder that everyone has these days/weeks! It will pass like everything else, but in those moments you are just doing what you need to survive. PS- I have screamed in my pillow a time or two the last few months (mama of a 2 yr old and a 6 mth old here )

  4. Awwww mama. It gets better. Like, some days will be better. Mostly not though. So like, cherish those some days. Ha. My baby stilllll doesn’t sleep & she’s 14 months now. I think it’s a 2nd child thing. A ton of people I know have the same issue with their 2nd not sleeping. And my1st has always slept like a champ. So, not helping the situation. And they share a room so there’s that. I love my kids more than shoes but some days mom-ing is just hard. How the eff did my mom raise 3? I’m actually going to go buy my mom something pretty right now. I will say a little prayer for you and your sweet babes tonight :)

    1. Omg I think about the same things with my mom raising 3! Or some of my friends who have 4!?! That’s DOUBLE the amount of children that I have! Thanks for the comment, fingers crossed that our second children learn to sleep one of these years;)

  5. I screamed in a pillow about a month ago for the first time ever and I was quite frightened of myself after I did it, I was like WTF did I just do? It came on the heels of a couple nights of insomnia from Elliot. It was awful. Being sleep deprived makes you just a shell of yourself. I would strongly encourage you to find a friend, hire a babysitter, or find some family to watch the wee ones for a couple hours or over night. Its amazing what a few hours of continuous sleep will do for yourself. They say it takes a village, its so true. Mommas can’t do it all! The good thing is you’re still Crosby’s and Willa’s favorite person, that wont change even if you are down on yourself!

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