Hello and welcome to another edition of bumpdate! We’re nearing the end folks, and I’m starting to wonder which of these updates will be my last. This Friday I will hit the magical 37 week/full-term status and I’m kinda at the point where I’m ready for baby to make an appearance. Well, ready-ish. Emotionally ready? Doubt it. Physically ready? Yes please, I’m so uncomfortable, get out. Logistically ready? Basically. The only things we have left to do are to install our carseat and pack a bag for the hospital. Speaking of which, can someone please help me with that? So far in my hospital bag I have packed a wheel of brie, a hot tub, 3 bottles of wine, 17 pieces of salmon sashimi, a thermos of the strongest coffee Portland has to offer and a roller coaster. Am I missing anything? Please advise.
Bumpdate time. Let’s do dis.
Weeks: 36 weeks.
Baby is the size of: According to my weekly pregnancy newsletter, the baby is the size of a honeydew melon this week. Shyahhhh right! That can only be true if that honeydew melon is the size and weight of a 12 pound bowling ball.
Weight gain: Duh.
Cravings: I still just want all the ice cubes in the world. I don’t know if it’s the heat or what but I pretty much refuse to drink water if it doesn’t have 7 million ice cubes in it. And I’m seriously tempted to call Sonic and ask them to ship me some of their ice cubes. You know, the round little cubes that come in their limeades and such? They’re perfect. I daydream about them. (….It’s an exciting life I lead…)
Sleep: Not good. I’m waking up several times per night and then I stay awake for at least 1-2 hours each time. Basically I’m practicing for nighttime feedings… because I’m just such a good mama already.
Movement: This kid has some major reach. At any given time I can feel it crushing my pelvis, kicking my ribs and poking my sides, all at the same time. If the last bumpdate movements felt like Elaine Benes dancing, then this week is Richard Simmons workouts. Basically my baby has some really classy moves.
Symptoms: You know, I always thought that the pregnant waddle was (for the most part) exaggerated and probably avoidable. However, no. The only comfortable way for me to walk lately is with my legs 2 feet apart and my arms swinging like crazy. #seksi
Missing: I really miss not looking like a cabbage patch kid.
Happenings: We took a baby CPR class last week and as soon as we left the building I promptly forgot everything we learned. I’d like to blame pregnancy brain but that seems counterintuitive? I’ve since printed out the CPR manual and plan to make copies and stick them to every surface of our house.
Also happening, Casey and I took our babymoon trip last weekend! Which is such a ridiculous concept but I’ll take a vacation regardless of how silly it sounds. I’ll post more on that later this week… get excited.
Weeks: 31 weeks
Baby is the size of: A pineapple! I’ve been waiting this whole pregnancy for the baby to be the size of a pineapple. I feel very accomplished this week.
Weight gain: [pig snout emoji]
Cravings: Maybe it’s because it’s hotter than shit outside or maybe it’s a craving, but I can’t stop with the ice cream. Such a cliché. A delicious, magical cliché. I like to think that I’m craving the calcium. Just go with it.
Sleep: Ugh, getting worse and worse. Every sleep position is uncomfortable even though I’m surrounded by eleventeen pillows. This gut is just.so.big. It’s like sleeping after eating 17 Thanksgiving meals. So… any sleep suggestions for these last 9 weeks would be moderately to severely appreciated.
Movement: The baby has taken up hiccuping at least 3-5 times a day. You’d think the amniotic fluid was made of Coors Lite at the rate that this kid hiccups. #lightweight
Symptoms: The cankles are in full effect, my friends. Especially in this heat wave we’ve been having. I point them out regularly to Casey, who then lovingly refers to me as Professor Klump. Perhaps I should start incorporating pics of my canks in these bumpdates, so you can all follow along on the slow disappearance of my ankle bones.
Missing: The second trimester. Those were the glory days.
Happenings: I lost a blueberry down my bra all day yesterday. I felt it fall in when I took a bite out of my breakfast in the morning, tried to fish it out, failed, went on with my day, got home and changed into a sports bra to go for a walk, and out fell that blueberry. And then Gus ate it. I should probably get used to small creatures consuming things that come out my bra.
…you know… a lot of these bumpdates consist of me talking about the crappy or weird parts of being preg. And while there definitely are some crappy and weird parts, they definitely don’t represent how I feel about this pregnancy overall. So today I feel compelled to type out loud, that I kinda love being pregnant… and I am genuinely ecstatically excited to meet this little womb dweller. To be perfectly honest (and here’s the part where every other pregnant woman can go ahead and hate me) I’ve had a really easy pregnancy. My symptoms and side effects have been minor, and although I come back here every few weeks to chat about cankles and belly hair, I honestly wouldn’t change my experience for anything.
What I’m trying to say is, pregnancy (for me) has been amazing. I’ve loved every second of it. And I want to remember that. I also want to remember that right now at this very moment I have a shooting pain of fire going through my right boob. So maybe I should just shut my pie-hole and stop jinxing myself with all this “easy pregnancy” talk.
Bumpdate #9, over and out.
Baby is the size of: A head of lettuce, which does not coincide with my cravings.
Weight gain: TBD at next weeks Dr appointment. I’m scared. I FEEL heavy, like I could bust through my chair… or my shoes… or the earth at any moment.
Cravings: I’ve been craving BBQ lately, which is a strange one for me. I’ve never been super into anything barbecuey before but lately I’ve been daydreaming about a big piece of salmon slathered in BBQ sauce with a side of cornbread and mac and cheese and baked beans. I have yet to give into this craving, but something tells me it wouldn’t be hard to convince Casey to help me out with it.
Sleep: Sleeping like a baby the past few days. Also having some truly bizarre dreams, which often end with me making out with complete strangers. Should I be concerned? Or should Casey?
Movement: Baby is still wiggling around in there but I haven’t felt a big kick in a while. I miss it. Well, sort of. I go back and forth. When it moves too much I get worried that that means our child will be nuts. But when it doesn’t move enough, I get worried that there’s something wrong. I take it this worrying thing is something that I should get used to… eh?
Symptoms: I’ve been listening to country music nonstop for the last week. If you know me, you know this is not normal. I used to listen to country way back in my growing up on a farm days but then I kinda hated it for a solid 15 years. Or I guess until last week. I don’t know what it is or why it’s happening, but it can only be explained by pregnancy. Are music cravings a thing? Between the country music and the BBQ, I’m fearing for my street cred a little bit.
Missing: Being able to walk into the freezer section of the grocery store without whimpering in nipple pain. That shit hurts.
Happenings: We have our very first baby class tonight, which I’m actually really excited for. Although I’m terribly nervous that they’re going to show a birthing video, after which I might have to tell this baby to make itself comfortable in the ol’ uterus because it’s not going anywhere for the next 60 years.
Tips for preggers women: baggier tops or black tops minimize the amount of giant you will look during pregnancy. In contrast, the tighter/lighter the shirt, the more you will look like you’re 16 months pregnant, instead of 6.
Thanks for tuning into the week’s installment of the bumpdate. Much love to you and your midsections.