Tag Archives: naked

today’s walk.


motherson
Lately I’ve been taking Gus for long walks every morning.  That’s the beauty of working at a place where 9:30 is considered the official start of the work day.  I actually get to start my day before I start my day.  I’m usually up around 7, I make myself some coffee to go, throw my rat’s nest hair into a bun and head out for a walk around the neighborhood with the pup.  Gus is the worst walker, which means that I spend most of the time being yanked and pulled all over the street, but it’s still a pretty stellar way to start the day (unless of course I forget to put a bra on and then it’s just painful).

This morning was kind of weird for us though… about two minutes into our walk, Gus pounced on and then started savagely eating what I can only assume was a human bone that he found in the street.  It was so big, there’s no way it came from a bucket of KFC… nope.  It was definitely a human femur.  Creepy and gross because I had to try and pry it out of his mouth.  Nothing like a little carcass to start your day.  And during our tug o’ war, he must have gotten some of it lodged in his throat because he coughed/threw up a little on my foot.  Which is disgusting obviously, but even worse when you have nothing to clean it up with.  So I just rinsed it off with my coffee.  

No big deal, dog barf is part of the job.  Onward!

A few minutes later, we stumbled across this big old house that is clearly under renovation.  It was so weird though because there were approximately 10 people working on the porch at one time.  At first I thought that they were all going to break out into song/choreographed dance because it was seriously the stage for a working-class musical.  But THEN I looked up and saw an old lady sitting and staring out of one of the second floor windows.  Maybe I’ve been watching too much Pretty Little Liars lately (actually, that’s not a maybe.  i HAVE been watching too much of it.  it’s embarrassing.  please help.) but now I’m fairly certain all those workers were there to clean up a crime that the old lady was trying to cover up.  It was ca-reepy.  She was staring RIGHT at me.  So what’s a girl to do?  Take a picture of course!

mrsbates[ she’s hard to see but she’s there.  oh yes, she’s there. ]

Luckily Gus yanked us the other way before we were murdered, so that’s cool.  Again, onward!

Ok, so I must have some kind of naked lady karma because AGAIN!  We were minding our own business, walking down the sidewalk and just as we were passing this one house, someone opened their door.  And there they stood, a fully clothed dude and fully nude lady, making out.   Her (ahem) backside was facing us so Gus and I got a nice clear shot of her toosh.  Seriously, WHO makes out with someone in front of their wide-open front door NAKED?  What is happening.  I applaud her creative way to send her husband off to work – but c’mon.   I’m a stranger and I saw her butt!  So, what’s a girl to do?  Take a picture of course!

…..

Get your head out of the gutter, I did not take a picture of that.

You know, just your typical walk around the neighborhood.  The one good thing that happened though is that we ended up at this really pretty overlook.  In a neighborhood called Overlook.   So we… looked over.  It was purty.  It made all the vomit, crime scenes and buttcracks worth it.

walkview

Oh but then while I was getting ready for work I found a cluster of gray hairs on my head… like 7 of them all in a 1-inch radius.  That has nothing to do with the dog walk but it was f*cking traumatic, to say the least.  If this is happening in my twenties, I can’t imagine what’s going to happen in my thirties.  I’m going to look like George Clooney by the time I’m 38.  Which actually makes sense since I have this uncanny ability to attract naked ladies.  HEYO!

** Sidenote.  I do not discriminate against naked men.  In fact, Casey and I saw a man’s business the other day when he decided to pee right next to us on the sidewalk of a very busy street.

And on that note, Portland is awesome!  Everyone come visit!  Bring your kids!


the value of curtains.

lion-peek-a-boo
So something weird happened.  And I’m gonna tell you about it.

The other night Casey and I went to check out a house that had just come on the market.  We met our realtor Erin out on the sidewalk and checked out the front yard a bit before heading up the porch to the front door.  (Note that this was an old Portland house, so that front porch was loud and squeaky and not at all condusive to a stealthy surprise visit.  If anything, it would certainly sound the alarm to anyone inside that they had company. Just sayin’.)  So anyways, we’re chatting and Erin’s using her little realtor fob thing to get the key out of the lockbox when Casey said, “Uhhh I think someone is in there”.  So of course I turned to look through the giant front window to see if I could see anyone.  Sure enough, 10 seconds later, a NAKED lady walks from the bathroom to the bedroom.  Awk.ward.

I’m pretty sure she didn’t see us.  Which obviously is better for her pride and embarrassment level but is also super weird.  Because how would you feel if three strangers saw you naked and you had no idea? Ponder that for a minute… (and preferably while you’re in the nude to get the full effect.)

Honestly though it blows my mind that she would be naked in the first place.  My disbelief is threefold:  A. You have a really big front window.  B. You have no curtains on said front window.  C. Your house is on the market!  People are going to be trying to look through your windows even when they don’t have a scheduled showing (which we did! But she apparently missed the memo or forgot or something.) The only rationale I can come up with is one-fold: You’re an idiot.  A naked idiot.

So anyways, we left her to her business and ended up going back the next day to view the house (sans nudity) and hated it.  Not sure if it was because of how fugly it was or because it was haunted with naked lady judgement… but either way, it wasn’t for us.

And of course we told some friends about the incident and one of them (a guy, duh) asked if naked lady was hot.  To which the husband responded “wellllllllllll…. it was kind of hard to see….” (side-eye).  Which in boy talk means “yes she was bangin but i can’t say that because my wife is karate chopping me with her stare right now.”  Because honestly, it was slightly dark but even I got a decent look.  And those tator tots were per-etty perky.  Weren’t they Casey!?!

So even though we didn’t find our dream house, at least naked lady inspired my to do list for today:

1. Go to the gym (because if a stranger is going to see me naked, i better look good)
2. Buy curtains (in case i don’t make it to the gym)
3. Make tator tots for dinner (because YUM!)  ((And then repeat step 1))